Character Dossier: Zaphod BeeblebroxCopy Anchor Link

"Zaphod Beeblebrox, adventurer, ex-hippy, good-timer, (crook? quite possibly), manic self-publicist, terribly bad at personal relationships, often thought to be completely out to lunch."

— The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Chapter 4

Zaphod Beeblebrox is the flamboyant, two-headed, three-armed President of the Imperial Galactic Government, inventor of the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster, semi-cousin to Ford Prefect, and the audacious thief of the Improbability-powered starship Heart of Gold.

Physical Appearance & ModificationsCopy Anchor Link

Zaphod is roughly humanoid in appearance—with two notable anatomical exceptions and an unmistakable sense of theatrical flair:

• Two Heads: Situated side by side on his shoulders, allowing him to grin at hovering robot tri-D cameras twice as effectively, argue with himself, or let out wild whoops harmonized in major thirds. (The robot tri-D cameras invariably home in for close-ups on the more popular of his two heads.)
• The Third Arm: Recently fitted just beneath his right arm specifically to help improve his ski-boxing—and equally convenient for steering a speedboat while spreading his other two arms lazily along the seat back, or brushing dust off his knee while lounging on a red leather sofa.
• Grooming & Regalia: His tousled fair hair sticks out in random directions, his blue eyes glint with something completely unidentifiable, his chins are almost always unshaven, and around his neck blazes the traditional orange sash of the President of the Galaxy.

Ideal Presidency FodderCopy Anchor Link

When Zaphod first announced his intention to run for the Presidency, it sent shock waves of astonishment throughout the Imperial Galaxy—many seeing it as clinching proof that the whole of known creation had finally gone bananas.

• The Constitutional Secret: Only six people in the entire Galaxy understood the principle on which the Galaxy was governed: that the President is purely a figurehead who wields no real power whatsoever, chosen not for leadership but for finely judged outrage in order to draw attention away from whoever actually wields power.
• A Fait Accompli: By those criteria, Zaphod was ideal presidency fodder and one of the most successful Presidents the Galaxy had ever had—having already spent two of his ten presidential years in prison for fraud.
• His True Motive: What even those six people failed to understand was why Zaphod had decided to run for the Presidency in the first place: solely to gain access to the top-secret unveiling of the Heart of Gold on Damogran—a day that, by another meaningless coincidence, also happened to be his two hundredth birthday.

Gatecrashing the Islington Party on EarthCopy Anchor Link

Prior to the unveiling on Damogran, Zaphod visited Earth incognito, just for fun, where he gatecrashed a fancy-dress party at an Islington flat (whose telephone number, 276709 / 2276709, by a staggering coincidence matched the $2^{276,709}$ to 1 improbability odds of being picked up by a spaceship in deep space within thirty seconds).

• The "Phil" Disguise: Disguising himself with only two arms and a single visible head to blend in with the partygoers, he introduced himself simply as "Phil".
• The Pickup Line: Barging in while Arthur Dent was engrossed in conversation with a brilliant young woman (Trillian / Tricia McMillan), Zaphod casually cut in: "Hey doll, is this guy boring you? Why don't you talk to me instead? I'm from a different planet."
• The Departure: Trillian accepted his invitation, leaving Earth with him before the planet was demolished by the Vogons.

The Heist on DamogranCopy Anchor Link

On the day of the Heart of Gold's unveiling on the crescent-shaped island of France on Damogran:

1. The Grand Arrival: Zaphod sped across the Damogran sea from the tiny spaceport on Easter Island in his Presidential ion-drive delta boat, lowering its thin finblades into the water purely for effect before riding up the cliff face inside a twenty-foot-high transparent globe containing a rock-steady, semi-circular red leather sofa propelled by a boiling water spout.
2. The Discarded Speech: Having already tossed his seven-page prepared speech into the Damogran sea (where pages one and two were salvaged by a Damogran Frond Crested Eagle for a papier-mâché nest), Zaphod gently deflected a backup copy offered by a sidling government spider and greeted the dazzled scientists, Trillian, and the press corps by simply saying "Hi" three times.
3. The Presidential Quote & The Bomb: When an irritable party official flipped a remote-control switch to fold away the white protective dome and reveal the Heart of Gold, Zaphod annoyed the press by saying "Wow" twice, winked at Trillian, and delivered his immortal quote: "That is really amazing. That really is truly amazing. That is so amazingly amazing I think I'd like to steal it." As the newsmen gleefully punched buttons on their Sub-Etha News-Matics, Zaphod lifted his heads to the sky, let out a wild whoop in major thirds, threw a small Paralyso-Matic bomb to the ground, and sprinted forward through a sea of frozen beaming smiles to steal the ship.

The Bridge of the Heart of Gold & ReunionCopy Anchor Link

Pacing up and down the brand-new, restaurant-sized bridge of the Heart of Gold while giggling with excitement, Zaphod's mechanical ineptitude posed a continual hazard to the ship:

• Operating the Sub-Etha Radio: Searching for news bulletins about himself, Zaphod struggled with the vessel's touch-free radio controls—where instead of dials or buttons, the user simply waves a hand in the general direction of the components and hopes (requiring listeners to sit infuriatingly still to keep from accidentally switching channels).
• The Media Profile & Gag Halfrunt: Broadcasters described the runaway President as an ex-confidence trickster, inventor of the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster, described by Eccentrica Gallumbits as the "Best Bang since the Big One", and recently voted the Worst Dressed Sentient Being in the Known Universe for the seventh time. His private brain-case specialist, Gag Halfrunt, succinctly summarized him to the Galaxy: "Vell, Zaphod's just zis guy, you know?"
• Complaints over Hitchhikers: When Trillian reported picking up two survivors floating in open space in Sector ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha, Zaphod protested that with half the galactic police force hunting them down, picking up hitchhikers was "ten out of ten for style, but minus several million for good thinking", arguing that if she had waited a second longer they would have been dead anyway.
• The Layered Act of Stupidity: In their relationship, Trillian struggled to distinguish between Zaphod pretending to be stupid to get people off their guard, pretending to be stupid because he couldn't be bothered to think, pretending to be stupid to hide that he didn't understand what was going on, and really being genuinely stupid.
• The Improbability Balance Sheet: Confronted by Trillian with the fact that they had materialized back in Sector ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha instead of zapping straight into the Horsehead Nebula, Zaphod and Trillian reviewed the Improbability flight path numbers: while the hitchhikers' rescue odds were a constant $2^{276,709} : 1$, relative to what the ship was doing when it picked them up the figure was an irrational $2^{\infty - 1} : 1$, requiring an immense amount of improbability to balance out.
• Order to Marvin: Irritated when Marvin expressed his deep depression, Zaphod snapped at the robot to just carry out Trillian's order to bring the aliens up from entry bay two without trying to enjoy it.
• Reunion with Ford & Arthur: When Marvin delivered the hitchhikers to the bridge, Zaphod was lolling back in an easy chair with his feet up on the control console, picking teeth in his right-hand head with his left hand while his right-hand head thought about something else and his left-hand head beamed a nonchalant grin. He casually welcomed Ford ("Ford, hi, how are you? Glad you could drop in") and Arthur ("Hi, Arthur. Glad you could make it").
• The "Phil" Confrontation: When Arthur cut in to state they had already met, Zaphod started in surprise and sharply jabbed his gum with his toothpick. Reliving his gatecrashing episode as "Phil" at the Islington flat, he watched the impossible threads of the universe knot together before turning to Trillian in genuine apprehension: "Trillian, is this sort of thing going to happen every time we use the Improbability Drive?"

The Nagging Mental Block & Rediscovery of MagratheaCopy Anchor Link

As the Heart of Gold travelled toward the Horsehead Nebula on conventional photon drive during the ship's artificial night:

• The Sensation of Being "Not All There": Unable to sleep, Zaphod grappled with an unsettling psychological affliction. For as long as he could remember, he had suffered from a vague, nagging feeling that he was not completely all there. While usually able to compartmentalize this, the sudden, bizarre arrival of Ford Prefect and Arthur Dent seemed to fit into a grander, hidden cosmic pattern that eluded him.
• Unfathomability as an Art Form: As Ford noted, Zaphod attacked life with a bewildering mixture of extraordinary genius and naïve incompetence—turning unpredictability and unfathomability into a high art form.
• The Blank Screen Trick: When Ford wandered onto the bridge, Zaphod lowered the cabin lights and tested him with the totally black monitor screens. Teasing Ford about whether he recognized the view, Zaphod gleefully explained that inside an ultra-dense dark nebula is the only place in the Galaxy where external viewports show complete, starless darkness.
• The Binary Suns & The Improbable Planet: Ordering Eddie to rotate external sensors 180 degrees, Zaphod watched the twin red suns Soulianis and Rahm creep into view, illuminating the crescent of Magrathea. Childishly ecstatic, he thumped the control console in triumph: "I've found it! I've found it! . . . That is the most improbable planet that ever existed."

Traversing Orbit & The Mystery of His Own MotivesCopy Anchor Link

As the Heart of Gold settled into an orbital altitude of three hundred miles around Magrathea (Chapter 16), Zaphod became locked in an escalating debate with the relentlessly sceptical Ford Prefect:

• Restoring a Sense of Occasion: Piqued by Ford's refusal to believe in the legendary world, Zaphod tried to build theatrical suspense as they traversed the night side, breathlessly cueing the bridge screens for the binary sunrise of Soulianis and Rahm ("The fires of dawn!").
• Two Heads in Cognitive Discord: When Ford grilled him on what he was actually after on a desolate lump of rock—accusing him of not being there for "sheer industrial archaeology"—Zaphod exhibited the hilarious biomechanics of his dual heads: one of his heads looked away in thought, while his other head looked round to see what the first head was looking at (even though it wasn't looking at anything very much).
• The "Fame and Money" Mask: Zaphod casually claimed his motives were "partly the curiosity, partly a sense of adventure, but mostly I think it's the fame and the money...!" However, his breezy bravado could not disguise the unsettling truth: Ford received a very strong impression that Zaphod had not the faintest conscious idea why he was there at all, hinting at deliberate subconscious compartmentalization.
• The "Frumpy" Planet Defense: When Trillian shivered at the dead, grey, crypt-like surface beneath them, Zaphod brushed her unease aside with characteristic nonchalance: "Ah, take no notice... with half the wealth of the former Galactic Empire stored on it somewhere it can afford to look frumpy."

The Magrathean Missile Crisis & Manual Flight Chaos (Chapter 17)Copy Anchor Link

When the Heart of Gold prepared to commence atmospheric entry, Zaphod's manic bravado collided head-on with five-million-year-old planetary defence protocols:

• The Ghost Families of Magrathea: Reassuring Arthur Dent about safety, Zaphod proclaimed: "Magrathea's been dead for five million years, of course it's safe. Even the ghosts will have settled down and raised families by now."
• The "Terrific" Missile Attack: Ignoring the Commercial Council's recorded requests to leave, Zaphod was wildly delighted when two thermonuclear missiles were launched at them: "Hey, this is terrific! Someone down there is trying to kill us! . . . It means we must be on to something!"
• Decisive Directions & Manual Flight: When Eddie announced that external jamming prevented evasive action, Zaphod attempted to run in several equally decisive directions simultaneously. Admitting he couldn't actually fly the ship, he ordered full manual control, unboxing pristine consoles and guessing at maneuvers ("full retro thrust and ten degrees starboard. Or something...").
• The Snapped Guidance Lever: Pinned against the air cushions by brutal inertial forces, Zaphod struggled in manic desperation and delivered a savage kick to a small guidance lever, snapping it clean off and sending the ship into an uncontrolled vertical climb followed by a terrifying, dead-weight plunge out of the sky.
• Protesting the Improbability Drive: Stranded on the ceiling as the ship flattened out upside down, Zaphod bellowed at Arthur for proposing the unprogrammed Improbability Drive ("What are you, crazy? Without proper programming anything could happen"), moments before Arthur hit the switch and saved their lives.

The Wickerwork Sun Chair & Revoking Praise (Chapter 18)Copy Anchor Link

Following the Improbability jump, the bridge transformed into an idyllic conservatory with pastel tones and potted ferns:

• Lounging in Wickerwork: Zaphod found himself relaxing in an elegant wickerwork sun chair, bewilderedly asking: "What the hell happened?"
• Leaping from his Seat: Discovering from Trillian that the ship was still in orbit over Magrathea, Zaphod leapt out of his seat in alarm ("Then what's happened to the missiles?"), only to learn from Ford and Eddie that the thermonuclear warheads had transmuted into a bowl of petunias and a sperm whale.
• The Withdrawn Commendation: Deducing that Arthur had engaged the drive without activating the proofing screens, Zaphod enthusiastically praised the Earthman for saving their lives ("Hey, kid, you just saved our lives, you know that?"). But the instant Arthur modestly remarked that it was "nothing really", Zaphod took him at his word, instantly rescinding the compliment ("Was it? Oh well, forget it, then. OK, computer, take us in to land"), shutting down Arthur's protests with a brusque "I said forget it."

The Landing Expedition & The Axe Ultimatum (Chapter 19)Copy Anchor Link

As the Heart of Gold touched down upon the bleak, dust-covered surface of Magrathea:

• Enlisting Marvin: When Ford questioned whether to take Marvin, Zaphod casually confirmed: "Oh, the Paranoid Android. Yeah, we'll take him."
• "Nuts to Your White Mice": When Trillian rushed into the room in a panic over her two escaped white mice, an expression of deep worry and concern failed to cross either of Zaphod's faces. He abruptly dismissed her distress with "Nuts to your white mice", oblivious to their true status as pan-dimensional hyper-intelligences.
• The Mother Backup Firmware: Zaphod revealed he had switched Eddie to an emergency matriarchal back-up personality, hoping it would be less annoying than the computer's standard breezy cheer.
• The Axe Reprogramming Threat: When the matriarchal Eddie locked the airlock hatch after Zaphod joked about needing a slide rule, Zaphod abandoned all diplomacy and issued a lethal ultimatum: "If you don't open that exit hatch this moment I shall zap straight off to your major data banks and reprogram you with a very large axe, got that?" Shocked, Eddie conceded and opened the ramp, allowing Zaphod to lead the expedition out into the sub-zero Magrathean wind.

The Whale Crater & The Locked Mind of 'Z.B.' (Chapter 20)Copy Anchor Link

Once on the blighted, frozen surface of Magrathea:

• Discovering the Crater: Leaving the others behind, a depressed Zaphod stalked over the grey-brown dust and discovered a circular crater 150 yards wide, splattered with fresh whalemeat from the exploded sperm whale. At its bottom, the kinetic impact had cracked open an ancient subterranean passage into Magrathea's interior unentered for five million years.
• Silencing Marvin & Leaving Arthur: When Marvin began his ironical humming, Zaphod hit him. Descending into the crater, Zaphod ordered Arthur to stay behind with Marvin to guard the entrance ("Guard? What from? You just said there's no one here!" / "Yeah, well, just for safety, OK? Whose? Yours or mine? Good lad").
• The Underground Passage & London Underground Mosaics: Leading Ford and Trillian down into the dark, cold, tiled corridors, Zaphod dismissed the colorful angular mosaic symbols as merely "strange symbols of some kind".
• The Freewheeling Confession: Cornered by Ford in a derelict computer chamber, Zaphod confessed that his entire life had operated like an infinite Galacticredit card—he decides to become President of the Galaxy or steal the Heart of Gold, and it just happens effortlessly. Yet whenever he asked himself why he wanted to do something or how he worked it out, an insurmountable mental block stopped him cold.
• The Encephalographic Discovery & 'Z.B.': Suspecting someone else was using his brain to have ideas without telling him, Zaphod had snuck into the ship's medical bay and tested both heads on the encephalographic screen. Major screening tests from his presidential ratification showed only normal traits (clever, imaginative, irresponsible, untrustworthy, extrovert). However, when he superimposed the scans of both heads and viewed them through a superstitious green filter, he uncovered the chilling truth: an entire section in the middle of both brains had been cauterized and electronically traumatized. Burnt into the dead synapses were the perpetrator's own initials: "Z. B."—proving Zaphod himself had surgically locked away his own memories and motives!
• The Knockout Gas: Before Zaphod could elaborate, a steel shutter slammed shut and knockout gas flooded the chamber, rendering Zaphod, Ford, and Trillian unconscious.

The Second-Hand Biro Syndicate (Chapter 21 Lore)Copy Anchor Link

As revealed by The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy during Arthur Dent's reading on the surface of Magrathea:

• The Maximegalon Drinking Session: Prior to his galactic presidency, Zaphod spent an evening drinking Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters with Veet Voojagig, a brilliant academic at the University of Maximegalon. The encounter ignited Voojagig's obsessive quest into where all his ballpoint pens (biros) vanished to.
• The Asteroid Hermit & Brantisvogan Accounts: When an expedition investigated the coordinates of Voojagig's supposed "Biro Planet", they found only a tiny asteroid inhabited by a solitary hermit who claimed nothing was true. Investigators discovered 60,000 Altairian dollars paid annually into the hermit's Brantisvogan bank account.
• The Lucrative Stationer Trade: Operating quietly in the background of his cosmic adventures, Zaphod ran an immensely profitable second-hand biro business—monetizing the mysterious galactic disappearance of unattended writing implements.