Item Specification: Vogon Poetry ScrollCopy Anchor Link

"Vogon poetry is of course the third worst in the Universe. The second worst is that of the Azgoths of Kria. During a recitation by their Poet Master Grunthos the Flatulent of his poem 'Ode To A Small Lump of Green Putty I Found In My Armpit One Midsummer Morning' four of his audience died of internal haemorrhaging, and the President of the Mid-Galactic Arts Nobbling Council survived by gnawing one of his own legs off. Grunthos is reported to have been 'disappointed' by the poem's reception, and was about to embark on a reading of his twelve-book epic entitled My Favourite Bathtime Gurgles when his own major intestine, in a desperate attempt to save life and civilization, leapt straight up through his neck and throttled his brain.

The very worst poetry of all perished along with its creator Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings of Greenbridge, Essex, England in the destruction of the planet Earth."

— The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Chapter 7

A notebook of verses penned by Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz. Early Vogon attempts at composition had been part of a bludgeoning insistence that they be accepted as a properly evolved and cultured race, though now the only thing that keeps them going is sheer bloodymindedness. As Jeltz himself explained to Ford Prefect and Arthur Dent, he does not write poetry because he wants to be loved beneath his mean, callous, heartless exterior—he writes it to throw his mean, callous, heartless exterior into sharp relief.

Galactic Ranking of the Worst Poetry in the UniverseCopy Anchor Link

1. First Worst (The Very Worst of All): Created by Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings of Greenbridge, Essex, England—all of which perished along with its creator in the destruction of Earth.
2. Second Worst: The poetry of the Azgoths of Kria, exemplified by Poet Master Grunthos the Flatulent's Ode To A Small Lump of Green Putty I Found In My Armpit One Midsummer Morning (which killed four audience members of internal haemorrhaging and forced the President of the Mid-Galactic Arts Nobbling Council to survive by gnawing one of his own legs off) and his unread twelve-book epic My Favourite Bathtime Gurgles (prevented only when his own major intestine leapt straight up through his neck and throttled his brain).
3. Third Worst: Vogon Poetry, such as the fetid passage devised and recited by Captain Jeltz.

Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz's RecitationCopy Anchor Link

"Oh freddled gruntbuggly . . .
. . . thy micturations are to me / As plurdled gabbleblotchits on a lurgid bee.
Groop, I implore thee, my foonting turlingdromes,
And hooptiously drangle me with crinkly bindlewurdles, / Or I will rend thee in the gobberwarts with my blurglecruncheon, see if I don't!"

Physiological Hazards & Electronic EnhancementCopy Anchor Link

To ensure not a single nuance of the poet's thought is lost, prisoners are strapped into Poetry Appreciation Chairs with temple electrodes attached to a battery of electronic equipment—imagery intensifiers, rhythmic modulators, alliterative residulators, and simile dumpers—inducing violent physical spasms, lumps of pain thumping through the head, and parched, rasping collapse.